'Idol' and Mariah Carey: They Belong Together?

I can’t tell you how excited I was for Mariah Carey week on American Idol. It wasn’t because I’m a particularly huge Mariah fan or anything — although I do like her. No, it was because the promise of hearing some youthful songs was downright intoxicating. The musical themes this season have been particularly old fashioned, and when the singers get the chance to do something exciting and contemporary, they often settle for a bland ballad. No wonder the ratings are down. Such a shame that this crop, which has been considerably more talented and charismatic than last year’s bunch, can’t resurrect the great Idol machine.
At least the show took a step in the right direction by finally excising the horseless Kristy Lee Cook. It’s kind of too bad, actually. The poor girl came on strong(er) in recent weeks, and honestly, she was shaping up to be a surprising underdog. Considering how much of a punch line she had been in the semifinals and the Beatles weeks, I thought for sure I’d be praising her ouster. Instead, I felt kind of sad. I’d grown to like Kristy, even if her attempts at humor made Ryan look like the second coming of Will Ferrell. She showed a lot of promise in the past few performances, but the truth is that as the numbers dwindled, she failed to find a certain hook that would keep her in the running. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: she should have showed more skin. While Ruben Studdard wailed goodbye like a dying walrus, we watched Kristy rise to Idol fame, and I once again was reminded of how hot she was when she first appeared on TV. What happened, Kristy? Where did that go? Hopefully not to the glue factory with her horse. OH I KEED. I’m sure her horse is fine… and resentful. It’s probably sitting in its new, awful stable, thinking to itself, “Bitch, you sold me so you could enter a competition that you didn’t win? THANKS. Now I’m gonna turn into Elmer’s because you can’t pull some personality out of your ass.”

Nevertheless, based on Tuesday’s performances alone, I wouldn’t have given Kristy the boot. I liked her countrified take on Mariah’s not-so-famous tune, “Forever.” And if it’s any consolation to Kristy, at least she got Mariah Carey to lie and say she liked the new version better. That was sweet of Mariah. She must have known Kristy was going home.
Truth be told, I thought Brooke White was the worst performer of the night. Her acoustic, piano-only take on “Hero” felt like one long, boring high school variety show act. There was absolutely nothing special about it. In fact, Brooke kind of butchered parts of it. I wasn’t a big fan. I agreed with Simon when he said it was like a burger with no meat (wasn’t it great how excited Paula was when she asked “Where’s the beef?” as if it was the most amazing reference ever?). I would take Simon one step further and say there was no bun, condiments or fixin’s either (although, did he say that too? I just don’t remember). Ryan mentioned this the next night on the results show, and annoyingly, Brooke said it was okay to not have meat because vegetarians are cool too. You IDIOT. Simon didn’t say there was a veggie patty there. There was NOTHING. Stop trying to outsmart his metaphor! Sigh. Brooke’s continued insistence on talking at any possible chance is starting to really drive me nuts. I just want to put one of those metal Beetlejuice plates over her lips.
Ultimately though, what Brooke has that Kristy didn’t was personality (although, Kristy did show more personality in her goodbye song than she did all season). Some people loathe Brooke, saying that she’s insincere. Others like her Carol King / Earth Mother thing. I vacillate between the two. Ultimately, I think she’s nice, and her sound is definitely unique to Idol, but overall, she’s becoming more and more annoying every week. She should probably go soon before she enters my hate zone.
Someone who’s also rapidly getting on my bad side is David Archuleta. The kid can sing — this is true — but he hasn’t wowed me as a performer for weeks. Every week, it’s the same lofty, inspirational tune. There’s nothing exciting or fresh about him. The little girls love him, yeah, but that almost makes it worse. It’s like we’re rewarding mediocrity. With Mariah week, David had a chance to do so many, many great and interesting songs, and instead he picks the schlockfest “When You Believe.” Really? Really? (For those of you who don’t remember the song, it was a duet with Whitney Houston from the movie The Prince of Egypt).
Of COURSE David picks a song that’s all about believing and inner strength and all that bullshit. Couldn’t he have done something more fun? “Vision of Love?” “Emotions?” Freakin “All I Want For Christmas???”
Or how about “Make It Happen?” It’s upbeat AND religious. Personally, I would have liked the Archuleta take on “Dreamlover” or better yet, “Honey,” but he probably would have devolved into a bunch of giggles midway through the song. “Oh man… you guys… this song isn’t about actual honey… oh man….”
But alas, we were stuck with lame old “When You Believe.” Blah. I was not happy with the choice. Plus, a part of me felt that it was a tune he’s probably crooned millions of times for church groups and annoying youth activities. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, but again, there’s a whole lot of originality lacking with him.
And let me say something about the way David acted on the results show. Ryan told him he was safe, and then sadistically made the aww-shucks kid choose between two groups of three people to stand with (one was top three, one was bottom three). Just like Melinda Doolittle last year, David opted to sit down on the floor and refuse to play into these naughty games. Fair enough. Ryan then suggested he go and join David Cook, Carly, and Jason, noting that they probably would be the better choice of the two groups (WINK WINK). However, David Archuleta proved that he might not be the sharpest cookie in the shed. He literally did not even get what Ryan was trying to do. It went right over his head, even after Ryan all but told him where to go. I get that the kid was probably overwhelmed and scared and confused, but still, I’m starting to think he’s a total idiot (let’s not forget when Ryan made the joke about adopting David, and he was all “Ryan, I’m seventeen!”). I guess there’s nothing inherently wrong with being unable to detect humor, but the overly earnest thing is really driving me nuts.
Back to the performance show, I actually loved David Cook’s retooled version of “Always Be My Baby,” and I’d go so far that he’s better at rearranging songs than Blake Lewis. Don’t get me wrong, I like Blake (more than David Cook personality and musician-wise), but not all of his beatbox innovations were terribly good. Yeah, the Bon Jovi one was awesome, but the rest were a bit gimmicky. David Cook’s, however, have all been spot on (with the exception of those he stole from Chris Cornell). I’m getting sick of his whole emo-angst rock, but I can still respect the arrangements. Anyway, I’m off topic. The point is that David Cook did a great job, and I actually completely agreed with Paula when she said that his version of the song could totally be in a movie soundtrack. It’s a strange critique, but totally valid.
Unfortunately, David hasn’t made things better in the hair department. In fact, it’s gotten worse with the addition of the red Brillo growing on his chin. It’s nothing like the disaster on Sundance Head’s, er, jaw, but it’s getting there. I know it’s superficial, but these little aesthetic things matter. They kind of speak to the values and standards and judgment of the artist. Would we all think Johnny Rzeznik was as much of a poser if he didn’t have such manicured hair and guyliner? Probably not. I mean, we’d still think he’s a poser, just not as much of one. So please, David, for the love of our eyeballs, fix the damn hair.
I’m also not a huge fan of Jason Castro’s dreads, but at least they feel a bit more authentic to his personality. His bongo-infused version of “I Don’t Want to Cry” was nice, and that’s about it. I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it. I just thought it was… nice. Nothing more to say!
I also enjoyed Carly Smithson’s take on “Without You,” but sometimes I wish she’d just hold back on that impulse to belt out one… final… note. Have you noticed that? It seems like every week, a song comes to an end, and she realizes she still has three seconds; so she absolutely screams into the mic. Chillax, Carly. I’d also like it if she’d do another rock-infused performance. She’s good with the bombastic torch songs and ballads and stuff, but she was best when she knocked it out of the park with “Come Together” by the Beatles. I want to see that side of her more.
I guess that brings us to Syesha, who once again skated away from the bottom three with her usual look of entitlement. I liked her song choice, “Vanishing,” but I had the exact reservations that Simon did: it may have been too obscure to connect with the audience. Then again, had she chosen something more famous, the judges undoubtedly would have reamed her for being a copycat like they do every week. Oh well. It was a lose-lose situation for her. Such is the life of Syesha.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she scrambles for “Memories” next week on Andrew Lloyd Weber night. That should be fun. Back to adult contemporary shlock.
Here’s my guess on who will pick what:
Carly: “Don’t Cry For My Argentina.”
Syesha: “Memories”
David Archuleta: Probably something from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I’m betting on “Close Every Door To Me.”
David Cook: I’m thinking some emo version of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
Jason Castro: I can’t even imagine. The title track to Phantom? That would hilarious.
Brooke White: An Earthy Carol King take on “Music of the Night” or something equally as awful.
Gosh, how do I know all these songs? Lame. All I know for certain is that I’m sure it will be 100% snooze-worthy. What did you think about this week? And what do you think about those creepy Phil Stacey alien ads showing up on my site? Gross, huh?