How Long Is Relationship Vacation?

I have to admit something. My Hills universe is getting all sorts of murky. It used to be that everyone hated Heidi, except Spencer, Stephanie, and the occasional sidekick (a.k.a. Bolthouse lackey #457). Now everything’s getting all jumbled around. Audrina seems to be dangerously returning to the Heidisphere, Spencer seems to be curiously leaving it, and Stephanie, well, she’s all over the place. How are we, the simplistic viewers, supposed to keep up with all these strange allegiances? The good news is that we’ll always have the clear-cut world of Wh-wh-wh-whitney, whose foray into her new job is fast becoming the most entertaining part of the show. Now that Lauren’s officially been invited to join Das People’s Revolution, I’m thinking that we should just kick the other junk to the curb and focus on these girls’ daily battles with the sickly overlord that is Kelly Cutrone. Now that would be good TV.

This week’s show kicked off with the sight of Heidi looking not unlike a trendy version of Tweety Bird. Yes, she was wearing all sorts of yellow — to the point where I thought perhaps she was auditioning to be the next Peeps spokeswoman. However, her ambitions were sadly not so lofty. She instead was walking to Epic Records, hoping to find her new old friend, Audrina. A ghostly receptionist pointed the Heidster towards the digital department, and the next thing we knew, Heidi was living it up at the corporate cafeteria, marveling at its mere existence.

“I am the ghost of receptionists past.”

“This is so cute. It’s like a real cafeteria,” Heidi told Audrina, clearly shocked to discover that some companies actually have commissaries. I guess you learn all sorts of exciting things when you go to a real workplace for once.
As the girls sat down, Heidi cooed about their little meal, saying, “So nice to relax and have, like, a lunch.” Yes, it really was fantastic that Heidi could at last enjoy a long, relaxing lunch during the workday. I mean, yeah, we’ve only seen her at three hundred lunch establishments over the course of the past few seasons, but those lunches weren’t relaxing. They were merely leisurely. Much different.
Anyway, the conversation quickly shifted from lunch-appreciation as Heidi gushed to Audrina, “You don’t know how nice it is to be able to talk to you again.” She then added, “And it’s so nice that we get to talk over LUNCH. Have I mentioned how much I love lunch? BECAUSE I LOVE IT.”
Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but the two girls certainly seemed quite buddy-buddy together. Audrina didn’t even flinch when Heidi commented, “I’m gaining myself again.” I’m not really sure what that meant, but I think it was Heidi’s way of noting that she was finally getting back into the groove of her old life, and well, if that’s the case, then we knew we were in for trouble. After all, if there was any way to sum up Heidi’s old life with a single word, it would be “DRAMA.” (Or “bubbles” but that’s neither here nor there)
As the scene drew to a close, Heidi then suggested that they all do a girls’ night out because it really had been so long. I’m not sure if I’m going a little nutty, but I feel like this whole second half of the season has been centered on these girls all declaring that they MUST have a girls night out because it’s been ENTIRELY too long. I’m starting to think that if 72 hours go by without a trip to S-Bar or Les Deux, the girls all clutch their hearts simultaneously and utter, “Must… do… girls’… night…”
Appropriately enough, the title of this episode was called “GIRLS NIGHT OUT,” which conveniently told us everything and nothing about what to expect from the next thirty minutes. We then traveled over to the dumpy burrow that is the People’s Revolution Los Angeles office where we found a model casting in full swing. As usual, the entire place was hectic and disorganized, which is why Whitney was so thrilled when Lauren showed up to help out. Well, I’m sure some of the excitement was derived from basic sidekick enthusiasm about a Master, but that’s just a given.
Anyway, Lauren made herself at home, and it only took about five seconds before the first uncomfortable Conrad-Cutrone interaction of the season. It began when both of them unwittingly wound up walking side by side through the office. I don’t know why, but I found myself cringing like I’d never cringed before. It was all just so… AWKWARD.

Pssst… Lauren. She’s right next to you!!!

Thankfully, Whitney re-introduced the two women (for those who may have forgotten, they first met back in a disastrous season one fashion show at Teen Vogue), and immediately, Lady Cutrone asked, “Is she our helper?” She then added, “WELCOME TO HELL!!!!” Okay, Kelly didn’t say that, but she might as well have. Within seconds, she had Lauren bouncing around frantically all over the office. In all three seasons, we’ve never seen her moving so quickly. It was all so fast and hectic — kind of like what I imagine Ashes is like when she hears a door slam.

At one point, Kelly Cutrone stopped to take in some of Lauren’s work, saying enthusiastically, “Oh my God!” I thought this would be followed with a warm, “Good job, Conrad!” but instead, she let out an incredulous, “You guys are so SLOW!” Ouch. Even better was Lauren’s face, which went momentarily slack-jawed before she swiftly shut her mouth and tried to suppress her impulse to sound off with an excuse. Believe me, I used to have a boss who always yelled at me, and I learned the hard way that sometimes people just don’t want to hear your side of the story (because chances are, you’re probably wrong anyway. And yes, I’m man enough to admit I was a terrible assistant).

Later, Kelly decided to do some on-the-job training with Whitney and Lauren, which meant the resident punching bag, Jessica, had to be kicked off her desk to let this trio do whatever it was they had to do. Jessica tried to assert some sort of relevance by noting that she needed Lauren’s help for some task, but Cutrone happily shot down this soon-to-be-fired drone, which afforded us yet another withering Jessica-glare — a new and welcomed addition to the Hills canon.

“This computer is so tricky. How do I turn it on?”

“I’m inept. And slightly anorexic too.”

In a far less exciting corner of the city, we then found a semi-bearded Spencer in his sister’s kitchen, sniffing some rye bread for freshness. Ah, the joys of unemployment. Stephanie soon barged in on this adventure in quality assurance and bickered with her brother about his turkey usage. She accused him of using too much, but he assured her that he was merely using his half of the supply. It was kind of like the deli version of The War of the Roses.
Nevertheless, Stephanie then revealed that she was headed out to S-Bar for the night, and of course, Spence asked if his wayward fiancé would be in tow. Steph just kind of stood there, her mouth open but no sound coming out. Needless to say, she’s pretty terrible with the on-the-fly excuses. Spencer immediately deduced by the generally blank look on her face that Heidi would in fact be at the bar, and as he returned his attention to his sandwich, we knew trouble was on the horizon.
Sure enough, we then went over to the famed S-Bar where Audrina, her sidekick Chiara, Heidi, and Stephanie were busy getting their drink on. As you can imagine, there was a whole lot of Uh-Oh going on with this group. Steph got to work complaining about her brother and all his junk (ie. jellyfish tanks and arcade games), joking, “Wait ’til I change my lock on my door!” to which Heidi let out an enormous cackle. Oh, ’twas a good time to be a Montag. First a real cafeteria, then a free comedy show. Could this day get any better?
Certainly having a more stressful time was Lauren, who was continuing to slave away at People’s Revolution. Wh-wh-wh-Whitney suggested that if Lauren impressed Kelly, she might be able to get a job, but of course, the operative word there was “impress,” a concept LC hadn’t been able to pull off since she first stepped into this fashion sweatshop.
Well, speak of the devil, and she will appear. Kelly popped up out of nowhere behind the girls and immediately went through the fashion week rules for Lauren. By now, we practically know them by heart: wear all black, show no boobies, blah blah blah. Lauren shrewdly interjected and asked, “Am I doing shows?” I kind of imagined Kelly kicking herself angrily, muttering “Damn, I just committed her to fashion week, didn’t I? Dammit, Cutrone. Dammit all to hell! Or rather, dammit all to here!”
Nevertheless, Kelly revealed that yes, Lauren would be assisting with fashion week, and then in one of the more bizarre exits in the show’s history, Lady Cutrone simply said, “Alright,” pivoted around 180 degrees, and just marched away. It was all so robotic and disjointed. No smooth motions here. I kind of wondered if maybe she was remote controlled by some unseeing person. Lisa Love, perhaps? I wouldn’t put it past her…
Back in Hollywood, we found Spencer walking down the street with his heretofore unseen friend Kevin. New sidekick perhaps? Not sure because he hardly said a word the entire episode. Then again, the sidekick sidekicks always tend to be quiet at first.
Well, guess where Spencer & Co. were off to on this fine night? I’ll give you a hint: it starts with an S and rhymes with Par. That’s right, Spencer wandered into S-Bar, despite — or more likely because of — Heidi being there with her gaggle of friends. Buckle your seatbelts, kids. It’s scandal time.
“How did Spencer know we were coming here?” Heidi asked her group, staring particularly accusingly at Stephanie. I’ll just paraphrase She-Spencer’s response: “Huminah huminah huminah huminah.” Like I said, she’s not very glib in these situations.
Meanwhile, Spencer looked to be having a great, gum-chewing time with the throngs of ladies that quickly surrounded him. “How old are you?” he asked, cutting amusingly yet awfully right to the chase. They must have passed the test because soon there were shots all around, followed by fascinating banter about sipping and whatnot.
“I’m about to be so mad,” Heidi sneered from across the bar, adding, “Ummm…. okay. There it is. Now I am so mad.” Yes, Heidi was livid that Spencer had passive-aggressively crashed her girls’ night out, and as we quickly found out, no one detests a ruined girls’ night out more than Heidi. Well, maybe Ramona from The Real Housewives of New York City, but that’s a whole other story completely.
“Like, you come here on my girls’ night, and you start flirting with a group of girls?” Heidi told her friends, “Like… I want to smash his face in!” I have to admit, I’m loving this weekly trend where Heidi threatens to do bodily harm to Spencer’s face. It’s just so… appropriate.
I could only imagine what Heidi wanted to do to Spencer when she found out he was actually taking shots with his new friends. She was so shocked that she could do nothing but repeat herself over and over again: “They’re taking shots? They’re taking shots? They’re taking shots?” Somebody kick the Heidibot. I think she’s stuck.
Well, Heidi soon stormed away from the table (although, not in the herky-jerky Kelly Cutrone style) and eventually, she and Spencer wound up in an inevitable fight. She complained about his willingness to flirt with other girls, noting how happy he was letting them do shots with him and talk to him and touch him.
“Nobody touched me!” Spencer said, an aura of bullshit floating around him. Heidi then explained how when guys come up to her, she always rebuffs them, but apparently Spencer doesn’t extend the same courtesy to the girls that approach him. Honestly the fight all happened so quickly and excitingly that I didn’t really catch every bit of it. All that mattered was that they were making a scene and using circular logic, which is really all we can ask for from these two.
Eventually, some girls walked by Heidi, and she sneered a phony “Hi” at them in pretty much the bitchiest way possible before asking Spencer, “Is that [sic] your new friends?”
“You’re yelling at me for talking to a person that said hello!” Spencer retorted, again using oversimplification to get himself off the hook. Hey Heidi, now would be a good time to smash him in the face.
And on that note, we turned our attention to MTV’s most embarrassing offering: the Alicia Keys / Dove Fresh Takes (or whatever it’s called). This week’s installment was one of the worst yet, which really says something. I naturally assumed that we’d pick up where we left off last week with the girls racing to go stalk Lynn Whitfield on her Facebook date, but oh no. Continuity would be too much to ask for from Dove. Instead, we got a whole new dumb scenario as Alicia and her blonde friend watched their Asian friend try on maid of honor gowns. The Asian girl got stuck with a green disaster and attempted to find the silver lining by saying that she could use the dress for other occasions.
“To what?” asked Alicia Keys. “The St. Patrick’s Day parade?” OOOOOOHHHHH SNAP!!!! You just got served, Asian sidekick! Let’s now all congratulate Alicia on another fine comic performance. The future Ruth Buzzi, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, this whole minisode focused around the Asian girl’s dream to be married, which meant we were treated to Alicia Keys extolling the virtues of the single (and rumored-to-be lesbian) lifestyle. It’s okay to be single. You don’t have to be married by the time you’re thirty. BLAH. Who cares? I mean, seriously. This was awful.
And it was never ending.
Yes, this Fresh Take felt like it was about to wrap up about twelve times, but it kept going and going and going. There were flashbacks and montages and all sorts of junk, but never an ending. Instead, the whole thing took a sad turn as Alicia and her blonde friend arranged a surprise bridal shower (complete with fat girls!) for their ever so pathetic friend. And guess what? This dumb girl loved it. That’s because rather than face the realities of her own miserable dating situation, she instead could indulge in the tragic fantasy world she’s been trying to escape to ever since she turned thirteen.
Ultimately, the whole thing ended with the random introduction of a wedding cake, on top of which were three women representing Alicia Keys, the blonde girl, and the Asian girl. So did this mean they’d all three wind up getting married to each other, thus enjoying a long, polygamist, sapphic adulthood? I JUST DON’T GET IT.
Thankfully, this disaster came to an end (three hours later), and we returned to Hillside Villas where Lauren did the most bizarre of things: SHE WENT TO AUDRINA’S BEDROOM. I can’t be sure, but I think this is a first. As we all know, it’s rare enough for sidekicks to have their bedrooms on TV. To actually have a Master visit was practically unheard of. Don’t worry though — Lauren didn’t actually step inside the room. She merely hovered in the doorway. She does have standards after all.
Anyway, Audrina filled her in on all the drama with Heidi and Spencer, causing Lauren to roll her eyes with disdain. Why couldn’t Heidi just go up like a mature person and say hi to her former fiancé, she wondered. Then again, had Heidi actually done that, I’m sure Lauren would have instead said “It’s girls’ night out. She couldn’t be separated from Spencer for one night?” (It’s Fight Logic: as in, when you hate someone, no matter what they do, there’s always a way to put them in the wrong. I’ve employed it many times myself.)
After hearing enough of this ridiculousness, Lauren warned Audrina yet again about befriending Heidi, and then eventually the conversation returned to Spencer and all the girls who were hanging off of him. “He probably pays them. No girl would willingly touch that scum!” said a bitter Lauren, adding, “WHOA, where’d that come from?” And no, I did not modify that dialogue. She actually said that. Yes, even Lauren was shocked by the sudden tsunami of rage that had overtaken her. I think we can trace it back to one simple, haggard source: Lady Cutrone.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, we then headed over to Smashsbox Studios, the home base for Los Angeles’s fashion week. Lauren and Whitney scurried about as People’s Revolution prepared for its big show later that night. Oh, and for those of you wondering, the two girls diligently adhered to the all-black uniform — unlike Kelly Cutrone, who after weeks of yammering away about the importance of black, showed up in a big, WHITE t-shirt. Really, Kelly? Really? What was worst about this t-shirt (aside from the fact that it was wrinkly and WHITE) was that it was just a tad too big on her; so when Kelly pointed off in a direction, we could see all the way down her voluminous sleeve, and yes, my nightmares came true. In the depths of her armpit was a dark patch of hair for all the world to see. Has she not learned anything from Fatima on America’s Next Top Model? Or the fashion industry in which she actively participates? SHAVE DEM PITS, YO.

While I continued to shudder over this unfortunate visual, we found Whitney trotting about like the good worker bee that she is. She appeared to be taking care of bidness like none other, unlike the tragically inept Jessica, who appeared to be lost in her own world. At one point, Whitney asked her to follow up on some lighting question, but Jessica merely nodded and did nothing, prompting Whitney to take matters into her own hands. Superstar! Cut to Jessica pushing another pin into her Whitney voodoo doll…
Over at Bolthouse, Heidi and Kimberly went through the motions of seemingly like they were working, but after about three seconds of discussing bar layouts, the conversation promptly shifted to Spencer talk. The Heidster revealed that she had just had the worst night of her life last night (not to be dramatic or anything) and complained about Spencer taking shots with other girls.
“I’ve never felt so betrayed,” Heidi said, adding, “Doing shots was our thing! They were always so special!”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but Heidi did ultimately propose the philosophical question of the night: “How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?” OOOOH. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Montag Paradox! Can’t wait to hear Noam Chomsky’s thoughts on this.
After the break, we returned to Heidi, who was still at her desk at the office. This was unheard of: Heidi staying at work long enough for two separate scenes to take place. Anyway, she picked up her iPhone and dialed Spencer’s number (note to the foley department: iPhone keypads don’t beep). “What are you doing?” she asked, perhaps concerned that she was interrupting an intensive turkey sandwich moment. Ultimately, Heidi asked Spencer to come by so they could talk, and while we waited for him to drive over, we zipped back to Smashbox where all the celebrities were showing up for some good old fashioned, er, fashion. Why, there was television’s Jason Lee! And… that was about it.
It may have been all glitz and glamour out front, but backstage, it was anything but. As usual, it was a mad house, what with all the yelling and fussiness going on. Kelly’s partner in crime, Emily, happily bossed Whitney around, and Whitney in turn happily barked orders to all those around her. I’m happy to report that Lady Cutrone did put on a black blazer; although, the white was still remarkably visible, but hey, let’s hear it for following your own rules a little bit!
Eventually, the fashion show started, and a cutaway shot to the front row revealed our second celebrity of the night: a large and imposing Kirstie Alley. Ooooh. Was it like prominent Scientologist night or something? Between her and Jason Lee, we had some serious LRH representation going on. I almost thought Xenu might just march down the catwalk in some sassy, alien outfit.

“I’m gonna eat that!”

Anyway, with the show underway, all the backstage pandemonium reached new levels of disorganization. Some model named Michelle proved to be unreliable as she disappeared just when she was to go on stage, but fear not, the wonder twins of Whitney and Lauren found her just in time. Go team!
Meanwhile, over at the decidedly less exciting world of the Bolthouse back alley, Heidi stepped into Spencer’s car to discuss their relationship. You know it’s a Big Deal conversation when it takes place in both a car AND a back alley. It was all so season-two-pregnancy-scare.
Well, the two talked about the previous night, with Heidi saying, “If you want to be single, then be single and let me know.” Silly Heidi. She should know better than to ask for a simple, direct answer from Spence.
“You pretty much made me single,” he said, amusingly putting the blame back on her. He later elaborated, “You call it ‘relationship vacation.’ Anyone else on planet earth calls it breaking up.” He did have a point. Personally, I was thoroughly enjoying this, if only for the new phrase, “Relationship vacation.”
Anyway, the two then had a neat rat-a-tat exchange as Heidi explained that she wanted her space, to which Spencer said he gave her her space. But then Heidi added that she didn’t want him hooking up, to which Spencer noted he wasn’t hooking up. Amusingly, as this back-and-forth went on, Spencer’s voice got higher and higher until it damn near hit falsetto. Perhaps this was the inspiration for Heidi’s first song.
Ultimately, Heidi revealed that Spencer truly embarrassed her at the bar the other night, and you know, that’s saying something (cough, music video, cough). Spencer, meanwhile, was also at his wits end, ultimately asking the existential question of our day: “How long is relationship vacation?” Between this and the Montag Paradox, we had a lot of food for thought this episode.
While we chewed on that question / laughed at the non-ironic use of “relationship vacation,” we headed back to Smashbox once more where we found the girls relaxing in the wake of the fashion. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Kelly bounded into the scene like a hyperactive gazelle and exclaimed, “OMG!” And then, just so we knew what she was talking about, she added, “Oh My God!” Yes, yes, Kelly. We’re familiar with the phrase.
Anyway, Kelly was ecstatic about the show and praised the excellent work of Whitney, saying, “First of all, you go up the ladder to bitch in training.” Uh… thanks? Whitney laughed it off and noted, “My mom would be so proud.” Of course, as we all remember, Whitney’s mom (at least in my mind) runs a Bavarian Candy Shoppe; so I’m sure she’s not pleased at all that Whitney has strayed from her calling as a connoisseur of marzipan and pfefferminz.
As for Lauren, Kelly was equally backhanded in her compliments, saying, “Lauren, you’ve gone from, like, slo-mo to, like, fashion glow.” She then added, “Get it? I made a rhyme. Let me do another one. Okay, okay, I got one. Jessica, you’re like second in command to YOU’RE FIRED.”
Actually, Kelly did sort of say that in so many words. “We’re happy to have you come on,” she told Lauren, “because we want to start making some changes in our L.A. office.” Smell ya later, JESSICA. It was kind of a glorious moment, especially the “Oh shit” look on Jessica’s face at that precise moment.

“Wait, what?”

And just in case we thought maybe Jessica deserved a break, she then promptly screwed up yet another task, revealing that she had no idea there was some sort of party scheduled for Kelly to go to. Cut to Kelly shaking her fist in the air and bellowing, “JJJJEEESSSICCCAAA!!!” One of these days … one of these days … POW, right in the kisser!!
As the show wrapped up, we watched as Heidi trotted away from Spencer’s car all mad while at the same time, Lauren and Whitney trotted away from the fashion show all happy. Searing parallelism! Such an academic episode. What did you think? Should Heidi have chilled out at the bar or was her reaction warranted? And doesn’t it seem like fashion shows should get their act together by now?