LIVE BLOGGING JETBLUE: Burbs to JFK Edition

Oh what a week. After having made an auspicious paparazzi photo appearance a few days ago, I knew I had to somehow maintain the (VERY real) image of my fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle, and what better way to do that than by jumping on the latest plane out of Burbank and jet setting to New York City? Yeah, I’m that cool —  I fly across the country just for the hell of it.
Okay, okay. I didn’t fly across the country to look cool. I came to New York for a wedding. And I flew on the rather unglamorous (but still wonderful) JetBlue. So as you can see, my pseudo-glitzy image is in much need of bolstering (and mark my words, it WILL be bolstered some day). In the time being though, I’ll do what I do best: writing a transcontinental flight blog. Or as I call it, a flog. Good times to be had by all, I’m sure.

11:15 AM
Well, here I am on JetBlue, and I have to say, so far the experience has been uncharacteristically easy. Not saying that JetBlue is difficult, but inherently, air travel always comes with its shares of annoyances and hassles. Nevertheless, I’m happy to say that I’m seated comfortably in an exit row window seat with NO ONE next to me, which is kind of like the best seating arrangement EVER. Plus, I just discovered that the window shade on the exit row window pulls up, rather down. I’ve never actually seen such a configuration, but I must say, it’s excellent. Now I can block light from reflecting off my screen but still look outside. I’m thrilled. I should note that it’s essential that I keep reflections down because my alleged “friend,” whose name rhymes with Neeshell, got all sorts of fingerprints on my screen, and I only discovered them now. Oh, that will bug me all flight. It’s okay. I suppose I can find it in my heart to forgive her and her insatiable need to TOUCH MY PRISTINE SCREEN AT ALL TIMES!!!
In terms of celebrities, my flight appears to be sadly lacking; however, in a random turn of events, former California governor Gray Davis showed up at my gate briefly at Burbank Airport. He stood there with an aid for about two seconds before turning around and heading towards Southwest. It seemed to me that he might have been a little lost or confused or both. Either way, none of it made sense to me. I always assumed prominent ex-governors would fly private jets or giant airliners or, I don’t know, some sort of magical airborne bullet train. I did NOT, however, expect to see a former governor milling about the budget offerings of JetBlue, let alone (gasp) Southwest. I guess that’s what happens when you’re unceremoniously recalled from office (by a former bodybuilder and actor, no less). Hey, props to Gray for flying with the people, but seriously, he should never step a foot inside Burbank Airport ever again. It should be strictly LAX or nothing at all.
HORRORS. As I was just typing this, my back started to hurt a bit. I reached for the recline button, but alas, it’s nowhere to be found! MY SEAT DOESN’T RECLINE! I should have known it was too good to be true. Surely I must be missing something. The guy on the aisle seat can recline. Why can’t I? It must be some silliness about being adjacent to the emergency exit / having another emergency exit row behind me. UGH. There’s always something. Smudges on the screen, an intractable seat pitch — what’s next? Will a toddler suddenly materialize next to me? Stranger things have happened.
Well, aside from this seat fiasco, there’s only been one other minor hitch in today’s flying process. Some jerk at the gate left his bag and laptop unattended, just as we were about to board. He was probably going to the bathroom or getting a snack or whatever, but of course, it looked suspicious, and when the gate attendant asked over the loudspeaker if the bag and laptop belonged to anyone, no one answered. WELL. This meant we then had to wait while TSA inspected the airplane. Hey, I’m all for extra security measures, and I’d rather be safe than sorry, but I have little tolerance for people who don’t realize that they can’t leave their bags unattended in an airport. Sure enough, the dude returned to his bag and was promptly confronted first by a rather peeved-looking woman from JetBlue and then by a round-ish TSA cop whose emotional state was indeterminate. I must admit that I took perverse pleasure in watching this guy squirm under the pressure as he tried to explain that he had just gone around the corner for something or another. Man, how I wanted to see him cuffed and dragged away, just for the fun of it. Sadly, they soon let him go, and we were well on our way.
Now I’m just sitting here, watching TV and getting slightly annoyed with the child a few rows up who insists on bawling for really no apparent reason. Hey kid, there’s a mother-effin’ TV in your seat with Dora the Explorer on it. Just watch it, and SHUT UP.
11:35 AM
The flight attendant just came by to take my order. Ginger Ale this round. My stomach felt a little unsettled earlier this morning. Therefore, this seems to be a more appropriate beverage choice than my other favorite, tomato juice. Fear not, though. I may switch it up for cocktail service #2.
11:37 AM
Leg room + Food Network = happiness for me. Unfortunately, Rachel Ray looks like she’s making some awful sandwich. And she just said “yummies.” I must now change channels.
11:38 AM
Here’s a general comment: I really hate the Travel Channel’s logo. You know which one I’m talking about — the sort of swishy “T” with a planet nested in it. I don’t like it. It’s too thin. It has no presence. It looks like something that would be on a corporate training video. A change would be advised.
11:40 AM
Apologies: Dora the Explorer is NOT on TV. However, Spongebob is. Seriously, what does this awful child have to cry about? TOO MUCH FUN???
11:40 AM
TV Land is showing The Breakfast Club. I quietly relish the irony of playing a movie on TV Land. It’s like going to France and having everyone speak German. So in a sense, airing The Breakfast Club on TV Land is like watching the Nazis invade Paris.
11:41 AM
VH1 has that Perez Hilton show on. I’m immediately inspired to test the responsiveness of the channel changer.
11:42 AM
“How dare you let Juanita escape!” This is the line that bellows out at me as I turn to Passions, the modern masterpiece of great dialogue and acting. This show should be a national treasure.
11:43 AM
Damn, this Juanita sounds like a real piece of work. Turns out she may have killed The-rrrrr-ésa! AND THE BLOOD WILL BE ON GWEN’S HANDS!!! I don’t get it either. But I like it.
11:44 AM
Oooh, David the flight attendant is here with my ginger ale. And he just confirmed my worst fear: my seat does NOT, in fact, recline.
11:47 AM
OOH! The guy on the aisle just ordered tomato juice. Well played. Little does he realize the internal beverage struggle I’ve just endured.
11:49 AM
Animal Planet. Like its sibling network, the Travel Channel, Animal Planet also has a new logo that looks dumb. It’s basically just oddly sized letters with the “M” in “Animal” turned on its side. It makes no sense. Exactly how does that connote animal-ness? Is that like a thing in the collective consciousness? Do overturned letters speak to a certain animalistic, behavior? I mean, if I were to turn the “M” from “MOMA” on its side, would tourists think it’s a zoo? Nevertheless, I’m currently watching The Most Extreme Swarms, and we’re about to get to the NUMBER. ONE. MOST. EXTREME. SWARM. EVER!!!!! I’m actually pretty excited. I only saw #3 (locusts) and #2 (krill). And let me say this about krill: there’s nothing more extreme than miniature shrimp! What could be #1? Dust mites? EXTREME!!!
11:54 AM
#1 is… ants!!! Oooh. Well, specifically, the Argentine Ant was #1. Apparently, they’re tiny terrors. And they bite! And… DAMMIT! The narrator just got cut off! He was informing us about the Argentine Ant’s secret weapon, noting that “Unlike other ants they–” and then literally, DAVID the flight attendant got on the PA and started babbling about the snacks available to us. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE TERRA CHIPS! I WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET ANT WEAPON!!! Literally, when David was done, the guy on TV goes, “and that’s why they’re the most extreme swarm on Earth.” Why? WHY? WHY???? Tell us again!!!
11:58 AM
Well, I’m still pissed about the whole ant situation, but I just got some cookies, and I’m feeling a bit more mollified. The good news is that JetBlue has changed things up with the flavors. Good-bye, chocolate chip. Hello SWEET GEORGIA BROWNIE! I’m very excited to try these new cookies.
12:00 PM
Sweet Georgia Brownie is pretty good! A nice upgrade. And now I’m watching the Food Channel again. Robin Miller is kind of scary. Look at her eyes. I feel like she’ll someday stab me through the TV. Nevertheless, the theme of today’s Quick Fix is “slow cooker,” which seems somewhat contradictory to the show’s title, but I’ll let it slide. It reminds me of a Sandra Lee episode I saw recently. She made brownies in a slow cooker. Oh, that makes sense. Who doesn’t love spending four to six hours making a small batch of brownies? What’s worse is that afterwards, Sandra Lee then said, “How great was that? Brownies in no time!” Bitch, that took four to six hours!!
12:10 PM
OOOH. Supernovas on NGC. How exciting! Especially because there’s all this intense music playing as if two celestial bodies are going to hop into some Ferraris and engage in a car chase around the universe.
12:16 PM
Oh, that sucks. The woman in front of me was watching The Savages pay per view, and her TV went out. I’d be livid. Heck, I’m already livid. I’m livid for her. Then again, if I were her, I wouldn’t have forked over five dollars to see a movie on JetBlue. That’s her own dumb fault. Now I’m livid at her for making me feel livid about her situation. I guess I’m just livid in general.
12:18 PM
Looks like she got her TV back. Close call! That would have been a Laura Linney disaster!!
12:21 PM
Wow — supernovas give off shockwaves that impact everything within 20 light years. Color me impressed!
12:44 PM
That sucks part II: the woman in front of me is having TV problems again, and now it doesn’t look like there’ll be a reprieve…
12:49 PM
Great, so after watching nearly an hour of how the solar system formed and what nebular theory is and all that bullshit, the narrator of Naked Science tells us that there are still too many mysteries in the solar system, and there’s a good chance that all these theories could come crashing down in an instance. It’s pretty much like saying, “Did you enjoy the past hour? BECAUSE IT’S ALL WRONG AND BASED ON LIES.”
12:53 PM
The guy in front of me just got up to go to the bathroom, and he nearly fell over trying to navigate around his armwrest. NEWSFLASH: they can retract, idiot.
12:58 PM
BIG NEWS! Turns out the last hour hasn’t been wasted — the scientists have solved the solar system mysteries! Nebular theory still works!!! Huzzah! Unfortunately, the show ends on a total downer note. In 5 billion years there will be no life, but for now, we should be happy to be alive. GREAT. THANKS.
1:00 PM
And how am I celebrating life’s existence? Why, by watching one of the solar system’s most bizarre creations: Sandra Lee. I hope my fellow passengers don’t mind if I gag and possibly vomit momentarily.
1:01 PM
This must be an early episode of Semi-Homemade. She doesn’t look ridiculous, and her kitchen is, dare I say, understated. Even her recipes seem decent.
1:02 PM
Sandra Lee’s making her own pie crust. WTF? Where’s the “semi”? This is plain old homemade. C’mon, Sandy. You’re doing too much work. It’s called a pre-made Keebler Graham Cracker Crust. USE IT.
1:05 PM
Sandra Lee just informed us that to make a topping, we have to take one egg and mix it with a little bit of sugar. Oh. Okay. I’ll just get out my “little bit” measuring cup.
1:07 PM
A general observation: everyone on Drake and Josh seems to have an oversized head. Especially the little girl who I think is Josh’s awkward tween sister. She and her big head are AWFUL.
1:10 PM
Oh, the NY Times channel is being all “cultural” as usual. It’s hosting a panel discussion with 2nd fiddle film reviewer Caryn James and Mira Nair and two stars of The Namesake. I wish I could pay attention, but Caryn’s helmet of hair is bordering on epic. It almost looks like a mushroom cap. A mushroom cap made of shiny, dark hair.
1:12 PM
Judge Judy. An oldy but goody. She just yelled “GO!” for no reason. Man, she’s great.
1:20 PM
I think it’s about time that someone tells Sandra Lee that the word is “bag,” not “begg.”
1:29 PM
Thank God. Sandra Lee is wrapping up. If I have to hear her talk about bringing strawberry pie to a ho-down one more time, I might just throw myself out of this plane. It would be convenient, as I’m located directly next to a door, and my inability to recline makes it quite simple for me to tumble on out.
1:33 PM
Giada DeLaurentiis just promised to make the “easiest” lasagna roll dish. I’m skeptical.
1:35 PM
I love when Giada starts to address the camera and then suddenly realizes she doesn’t know how to end her sentence. There’s usually a little pause, which turns into her flapping her arms and saying something like “and that just makes it REALLY… GREAT… AND THAT’S… WHAT YOU WANT!” So awkward.
1:37 PM
Giada just warned us not to place the individual lasagna rolls too close to each other in the baking dish. We then cut to her cramming one in next to another. LIAR.
1:38 PM
I’m sleepy. I want to nap. I’ll just recline my seat and, oh yeah. I CAN’T.
1:41 PM
Ah Giada. She never met a farmer’s market she didn’t want to terrorize with her giant smile.
1:42 PM
UGH. There’s been a commercial break, and Giada is STILL working on her lasagna rolls. Anything that extends beyond one segment is officially not easy.
1:47 PM
Do you see this timestamp? The lasagna is FINALLY done. Over half the show has gone by! And now it needs to cool down. How is this easy? Giada can’t even touch it yet. (It does look good though)
1:49 PM
Haha. The new commercial for Snapple anti-oxident water portrays a city covered in bubble wrap as an illustration of how Snapple protects your body. We then see a guy throwing himself on all sorts of surfaces (streets, walls, etc) and not getting injured. Finally, at the end of the spot, he takes an elevator to the top of a skyscraper and then… jumps off the roof? Um, that’s a little fucked up. Amusingly, Snapple then adds the message, “Do Not Attempt.” Really? I was just about to hurl myself off a building too! Snapple will protect me, right? Right?
1:51 PM
Oooh. The person behind me has the exit row all to herself. She’s stretched out across it and is sleeping. It’s kind of messed up though. I mean, if she’s not using the legroom, she should swap with three people in a normal row. Not cool, man. I wish my seat could uber recline so I could bonk her on the head “by accident.” I guess I’ll just have to settle for the regular recline function. OR NOT.
1:54 PM
Damn. Giada just made a fresh donut, and when she bit into it, the little crunchy noise nearly killed me. MUST HAVE A DONUT RIGHT NOW. I’m nearing the Great Lakes. I would literally be willing to make an unscheduled stop in Chicago to get some donuts. I know the rest of the passengers would be annoyed, but you know what? If they got some fresh donuts out of it also, I bet they wouldn’t mind the detour.
1:56 PM
Or maybe some other plane could give us a donut refill. You know, like how in the military a fuel plane hooks up with a small plane and fills ‘er up. It would be like that, except instead of gas, the plane would fill us up with DONUTS.
1:57 PM
Oh god. She’s making more donuts. I can’t deal. But I can’t turn away.
1:57 PM
And now she’s dipping the donuts in CHOCOLATE GANACHE. I may need more of those Sweet Georgia Brownie cookies.
1:59 PM
Finally, the lasagna is ready to be eaten. Wow, what an easy, time-consuming dish. It’s almost as efficient as Sandra Lee’s slow-cooker brownies.
2:00 PM
Ah. The Barefoot Contessa.
2:00 PM
Oh Ina. She’ll never cease to be amused by that blender in the opening credits.
2:00 PM
Gross. Today’s episode is called “Kids Picnic Party.” Ina’s making a hot pink birthday cake for some eleven year old little girl. What is this? Sandra Lee? She’s also announced that she’s going to incorporate fantasy into the cake. There will be multiple tiers to remind the girl of marriage. Now that’s what you call good gender role socialization!
2:04 PM
Ina’s gonna pour her cake batter into her pans. She precedes this with an amiable warning: “Clear the decks!” Aye aye, Captain Garten!
2:05 PM
One of Ina’s gay buddies, Miguel, just came over to do the decor for this little girl’s birthday. Ina loves what he’s brought. “Very girly!” she praises. Cut to Miguel quietly mumbling, “These were actually for me…”
2:07 PM
HAHAHA. Ina just made herself some pink lemonade, poured it into a martini glass and asked us, “What girl wouldn’t love this?” She then, with the camera close up on her face, took a frothy sip and purred, “Mmmmm…. big girls…” I don’t really know what that even means (would big girls not like the lemonade?), but I let out a small laugh nonetheless. Had I not been in semi-public, I would have done the patented Ina reaction: chuckle chuckle chuckle INHALE chuckle chuckle…
2:10 PM
Now Ina’s making an onion pizza from Provence. Oh. Because kids love that.
2:11 PM
The child a few rows up is making noise again. You know what would settle him down? A slice of PROVENÇAL ONION PIZZA.
2:11 PM
Oh, never mind. the pizza’s for the adults. The kids get a tomato and cheese pizza. CLEAR THE DECKS!!!
2:17 PM
I’m still starving from Giada’s donuts, but great news: Snacks are coming! I’m thrilled. I may request seconds.
2:18 PM
Lorna Dunes. Sigh. So plain. I’ll tell you one thing. I’m not clearing the decks for THEM.
2:20 PM
Miguel is providing the party favors: cameras, and makeup & jewelry kits. What else? FABERGÉ EGGS?
2:21 PM
Explosion! Ina’s mixer belches up a violent cloud of flour. She yelps in surprise and then later claims it’s all part of the fun. Well, I guess if fun is getting flour all over yourself, then yes.
2:29 PM
How awful. Ina Garten’s backyard has turned into a bunch of little girls toasting lemonade-filled martini glasses like they’re in some terrible under-age version of Sex and the City. Except I would call it Awful and Ina’s Garden.
2:30 PM
Someone in the cabin just peeled an orange. I don’t know who you are or where you’re sitting, but you’re olfactory contributions to this flight are A DELIGHT.
2:33 PM
Switching gears, I’m now watching Pardon the Interruption. Wouldn’t it be funny if someone from the flight crew interrupted Pardon the Interruption? Get it? Because it’s a show about interruptions. Hello? Is this thing on?
2:35 PM
I’ve just learned there’s a high-ranking man in the NBA front office named Kiki. I’ll just assume he’s the butt of every interoffice email. That is, unless his associates are named Bobo, Peepy, Tippy-Wippy, or Sharon Stone.
2:42 PM
Gymnastics on the Big 10 network. I don’t really care about it, but I’d so be in the mood to see someone mess up. Aaand just as I write this, the gymnast falls off the pommel horse. Haha, sucker.
2:43 PM
My computer will die shortly.
2:43 PM
Did something happen to Prince Harry? On CBS, Katie Couric just said, “We’ll have more on Prince Harry.” But then she added with a smile, “We’re jumping on the bandwagon.” Doesn’t sound serious. He probably threw a scone at Joan Collins or something.
Epilogue
Well, my computer died, but nothing else really happened on the flight. I’m telling you, it was very unremarkable. I don’t even remember what I watched on TV. Nevertheless, it was a rather pleasant flying experience, and I can only hope that my return trip on Tuesday morning is equally smooth. Until then…