Big Brother Cast Revealed — Time To Make Superficial First Impressions!

It’s that time again! CBS has just announced the new cast for the upcoming season of Big Brother, which means we get to spend a week pondering who might be our early favorites, who might wind up sucking, and who could possibly win the whole shebang. After the jump, I’ve got a rundown of each contestant, as well as a nifty scale to gauge their potential douchiness or bitchiness. Take a look, and then share your thoughts on the cast too…

Braden

First up is Braden, a Cali native who does the usual reality star melange of surfing, acting, modeling, and showing some peen (NSFW link here). His whole shtick, it seems, is that he’s really into himself. Either that or he has a wry sense of humor, which might explain why he calls himself a fashion icon. He also designs jewelry, thinks creative things are “totally rad,” and has a penchant for creating neologisms and portmanteaus. I’ll either really like this guy or hate him. Probably the latter.
Douche Potential: 7 out of 10.

Casey

Can I groan loudly enough? Meet Casey, a teacher / DJ. That’s right. He’s a teacher during the day and a DJ at night. Not saying the two professions are mutually exclusive, but honestly, look at him. He’s probably still getting a kick out of playing Afroman for the kids. Casey, it should be noted, is also the “old man” of the group. Clocking in at the ancient age of 41, he is the house elder (a far cry from 75 year old Jerry last season), but don’t think that he doesn’t know how to get down with the young’uns. Casey will purportedly rap for anyone on request — a trait that perhaps is endearing to his students but could be insufferable for us viewers at home. Does he look like a nice guy? Probably. Annoying? Most definitely.
Douche Potential: 6 out of 10.
Ãœber-annoying Potential: 9 out of 10.

Chima

CBS calls Chima an “exotic beauty” and “as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.” Note that these words are written IN THE VERY FIRST LINE OF ITS BIO. A little bias? Nevertheless, while some might laud Chima’s pulchritude, others — like me — might be a bit thrown off by the gobs of cosmetics on her face. Yes, poor Chima looks like she spent her formative years studying the fine art of clown makeup, and I can already imagine her fellow houseguests getting annoyed with the giant red lipstick marks she’ll be leaving on the all the glassware. I know I would. Of course, Chima earns sympathy points for having an ailing mother who she’s reportedly very close to. Hopefully she won’t be hiding behind that the entire time she’s in the house. That would just be annoying.
Bitch Potential: 7 out of 10.

Jeff

Jeff seems to be the All-American guy of the cast. He likes football, he likes women, and he wants to be a mayor someday. Also of note: he used to be the running back for his college team, which means that he may be quite short, and as such, the potential for a Napoleon complex is quite high. For now though, he’s living by the motto of “treat others as you’d like to be treated.” In other words, he’ll probably be a dick, but when people snap back at him, he’ll get all high and mighty and say “Hey, treat others as you’d like to be treated.” Or not. It’s probably a bit too early to tell.
Douche Potential: 8 out of 10.

Jordan

Jordan is the resident small-town girl with requisite flaxen locks and wide-eyed naiveté. She seems aggressively bland in her bio, with the only notable aspect being her resistance to having sex on camera. In fact, she doesn’t even call “sex” sex. She calls it “bugger,” which is funny because in England, “bugger” means sodomy. So really, her attempts to class up “sex” are a massive fail.
Bitch potential: 5 out of 10.

Kevin

Haaaaayyyyy, girrrrl! It’s Kevin, the house gay! Excommunicated from Jehovah’s Witness-dom at 21, Kevin has certainly gone through a lot in his life already, but that shouldn’t excuse him if he becomes a pain in the ass. Kevin admits that he can be “bitchy,” and even though he claims not to have a temper, he simultaneously boasts that he’s able to “find the slightest flaw in a person and magnify it for all to see.” Sounds like a real winner. Kevin also describes himself as ghetto, fabulous, and inappropriate. So in other words, he’s trying very hard to be the sassy gay reality star of 2009. We’ll see how that works out.
Bitch Potential: 10 out of 10.

Laura

Two words: boo oobs. Laura is the chesty pair of ta-tas that will pass as the house minx this year. She’s a professional bikini model who plans to spend as much time in the house wearing just that — a bikini. And yes, there is a tramp stamp for all to view. In terms of strategy, Laura says her body will be her secret weapon — although, I’m not so sure how secret it can be (note the aforementioned plan to spend all day in her bikini). She’ll clearly alienate the other girls instantly (see Jen and Janelle from seasons eight and six respectively), but only time will tell if she’ll actually win over the audience or just serve as a buxom bimbo with an equine face and a horny firecrotch.
Bitch Potential: 7 out of 10.

Lydia

Rah rah rah! It’s Lydia! The rocker chick with tattoos! ARGH!!! And that’s about it. Once you get beyond the tats, Lydia doesn’t seem to have much else going on in her bio. I guess the only other significant factoid is that she was once a nanny to a high profile celebrity duo. LES AND JULIE PERHAPS??
Bitch Potential: 4 out of 10.

Michele

What the HELL is this woman doing on this show? She’s a neuroscientist for starters, and a news junkie on top of that. A smart, well-informed contestant? I mean, did she even know what she was getting into? Probably not. Nevertheless, Michele’s sad bio explains how she was taunted and beat up through most of high school, and now she’s ready to get REVENGE. This dovetails quite nicely with the circling rumors that this season will be split up in high school cliques. (Update: clique rumor is true.) So far Michele’s my favorite. Don’t let us down! (Watch her get voted out first.)
Bitch Potential: 6 out of 10.

Natalie

Natalie’s biography labels her as a “feisty Latina,” and really that’s all we need to know (memories of Ivette). But in case you do need more information, here’s what matters most: she’s a World Champion bronze medalist in Tae Kwon Do, she plays poker, and she tells haters to “bring it on.” So yeah, all sorts of cuddles and sweetness coming out of her.
Bitch Potential: 10 out of 10

Ronnie

And then we have Ronnie. If he’s not a nerd cut from the classic mold, I don’t know who is. He’s obsessed with video games, loves sci-fi, jizzes over Star Wars, and most importantly — he’s absolutely fiendish about Big Brother. In fact, “he can recite the order of every person ever evicted from the Big Brother house.” Wow. He probably shouldn’t share that. Ronnie also has succeeded in the realms of speech and debate, winning acclaim on a national level. We’ll see, however, if his persuasive oratory skills can save him from the cabal of jocks known as Braden, Jeff, and Russell (more on him in just a sec).
Douche Potential: 2 out of 10

Russell

Okay, just one look at this guy, and I think I’m gonna get beat up. Meet Russell. He’s an MMA fighter in real life, and unsurprisingly, he’s always ready for fisticuffs at any second. The bio describes him as loud and brash and prone to not thinking before he acts (a trait he hates in others because it’s something he himself suffers from — bonus points for self-awareness!). I must admit that I sort of like Russell; although, the fact that his friends call him “Russell the Lovemuscle” means I must automatically give him the full potential of douchiness. Still, maybe he’ll be a lovable douche!
Douche Potential: 10 out of 10

MYSTERY GUEST!!!!

According to CBS, there’s one more mystery guest we have yet to meet. The identity of this secretive person will be revealed on July 7th, and in the meantime, we can just speculate. The biggest rumor out there is that Sheila will be returning to the house (this is based on a Myspace message in which she claimed to be traveling for the next three months). I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’d certainly welcome it. Yew know wut, Big Brother? Yew don’t’ owe Sheila a second chance, but ya kinda dew!
Awesome Potential: 100 out of 10!!
Oh and look: here’s a video of the prisoners!

What do you think about them? Who is your favorite? Your least favorite?